Planet Mole

Penelope Parsons

2005-04-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

Penelope Parsons was a collector
a connoisseur of flaccid flesh
Any male who dared to court her
would surely lose his quarter
And that was nothing fresh
because she liked to plunder
All that men carried there under.

Penelope would swoon
caress and kiss
nder the light of the moon
And it was not all too soon
the man would realise something amiss
No longer would he croon
but instead scream like a Baboon.

One slash and it was off
and in hand Penelope took it
Then with a scoff
and a quick little cough
Penelope did pocket
the flaccid penis once tough
And screamed with delight “I’ve got it!.”

She terrorised the city
from morning ‘till night
And indeed gave no pity,
Folk created a hilarious ditty
Of a woman who would smite
men that showed their dicky
and soon cried in fright.

The police they did stumble
without evidence
they did fumble
But none were good to tumble
To Penelope’s presence
and so on and on she did rumple
All of mans essence.

But the day came
when Penelope caught was she
Most women thought it a shame
the woman so notorious and full of fame
Who chopped them off with glee
felt she was not to blame
Freeing men of their ‘treasury’.

Long ones. Short ones, thick ones as well
Was what the police found
And they could not tell
upon which penis which man did fell
So many men abound
looking for their dinky bell
But no penis did fit at all sound.

In the court the Judge did he
without remorse
sentence Penelope
For sure enough he could see
his penis swinging its course
And he knew it to be
that his penis would be safe from Penelope.

But alas it did pass,
Penelope escaped and caused an uproar
And on the streets the rumours were amass
of the penis plucker feeling crass
And it was sure to be that men would be sore
if the penis plucker plucked once more
But Penelope changed her mind and became a lass!.

Who Turned the Tap On

2005-04-11T11:58:00.000+08:00

If you ask anybody who has been to Bali, they will tell you it’s fantastic – sun, surf, shopping, a fabulous nightlife, and, a beautiful culture enveloped by stunning scenery.

However, there are times when it can have its moments. Take for instance today. I woke up to the sounds of rolling thunder banging on my eardrums like some heavy metal band. Candika had sought solace under the bedsheets with a death-grip on my left foot. When I finally managed to escape, I just had to see what the heck was going on.

The porch outside my room in the homestay was under siege by the swimming pool. I waded through and sat down on the only dry chair. Normally, I just walk six steps and dive into the pool. Now, all I have to do is walk into the pool!. The rain fell from the heavens incessantly.

“Hey, who turned the tap on?”

The rainy season is generally September through until the end of January. The other months are the dry season when it can become very hot and humid as Bali is only 8 degrees below the equator. The six-month rainy season just past delivered little rain, but, it sure made up for it today. I had to go out, things to do that couldn’t be put off to another day (don’t ya hate that!), people to meet, and of course Candika wanted to go shopping.

I changed backpacks to suit the weather – a small waterproof pack that holds the essentials – and this was my all-time favourite when the Gods decided to flood everything. Fifteen minutes into my sojourn in water world, my so-called waterproof pack that I’d had for years, decided to retire and allowed the rain to enter. Fortunately, my digital camera has a waterproof case, my notebooks didn’t and, neither did my vital lie of communication; the mobile phone. It sadly drank too much water, turned up the keypad and died.

So, it was off to the Nokia shop for mobile phone resuscitation:

“Rain has penetrated the inner core of my phone. Can you repair it and how much?”

“Huh?”

Stay calm Barrie.

“My phone is stuffed. It’s dead, carked it”

“Oh mister, your phone is wet”

Somebody turned a light bulb on in the man’s head!

“How much to repair the phone?”

“It’s a lot of work. Maybe Rp2,000,000”

Stay calm Barrie.

“I didn’t even pay that much for the phone”

“You want buy new phone?”

“Thank you. No. I’ll have it repaired in Australia”

Later. When the sun finally exploded out of the black clouds, Candika took the phone apart. She wiped every part with paper tissues and then placed it in the sunlight. My mobile phone is getting a suntan!. I had my reservations about Candika’s methods but it was successful and by sundown, I had my trusty mobile phone in hand shining with a new lease on life.

It was a clear night and as we stepped outside to go for a romantic dinner, on went the tap and, I searched in vain for Noah’s phone number.

Seminyak Delight

2005-04-08T19:57:00.000+08:00

I’ve never really bothered much with exploring the tourist track here in downtown Kuta. It’s all a tad commercial for my liking, but, it is a good place to base yourself if you are wishing to explore the island of Bali.

One area of the ‘track’ to the north, delivered more surprises than I’d imagined. Seminyak is, in reality, where a majority of expats live. It is also a place where you will find some of the best restaurants, nightclubs and gay bars. I met up with a friend of mine who resides in Bali, Nick O’Neil, the main man behind baliblog.com, at a restaurant called Warung Mimpi on Jalan Dhyana Pura. This one street alone had more restaurants and bars than I could count on my fingers and toes – Italian, Chinese, Greek, French, and many more representing countries from around the world.

For now, I was happy to settle for Nasi Padang, food from the island of Sumatra. As we moorishly devoured grilled tuna marinated in sambal, lemon grass and numerous other exotic spices, I was amazed at how quiet the street was with only the odd person passing by where we sat alfresco. Nick reassured me that at night, the street was virtually alive with diners and rockin’ party people.

The Seminyak area consists of four main streets running pendicular from busy Jalan Legian to the beach. Here, beachfront restaurants abound for the concerning diner wishing a romantic dinner at sunset. There are various other restaurants also dishing up delights for the laid-back diner – Italian pizzas cooked in woodfire ovens, Mexican yummies and delicious burgers big enough for two people.

After lunch, I walked down Jalan Dhyana Pura to the beach for a cool swim in the ocean. I guess this is just one of the delights of the area – eating your fill, a gentle slow walk, and then, a swim in the sparkling blue water. Seminyak surprised me, and no doubt, it will continue to surprise me for many more years to come.

A Bit of Cockroach Silliness

2005-04-06T20:26:00.000+08:00

Raunchy Ruth, the laptop dancer from IBM opened the meeting that night with Gusto the gracious geek from Gerry’s Gambling Garden.

“Shutup!” she screamed. “Gusto here ain’t saying nothing. This means I am the boss. Right Gusto?.

Gusto mumbled a few obscenities much to the amusement of the crowd gathered in the old graveyard near barmy Barney’s Barn. A hush had fallen on the crowd, no sound heard. Except of course for Darrie the drunk who was a devilish, deviant character of dubious means.

“Isa wanna says summit.” Darrie blurted out, causing every person there to hold their noses from fear of being poisoned with metho vapours.

“Shutup!. Raunchy Ruth screamed, saliva spurting stream-like from her succulent lips. “Now listen up. I’m going to say something.” Raunchy Ruth paused. “Sit down Gusto!”

Laughter filled the air. Gusto had almost gutted himself when he fell off the chair. He didn’t feel the banner pole, being held by dopy Doreen the dog lover, pierce his jasmine-coloured jacket. Raunchy Ruth screamed again, and again, to gain attention from the lovable leering crowd.

“First matter at hand. Sit down Gusto!. As I was saying, the first matter at hand is this cockroach thing. The chair recognises Chuck the Cockie in the corner.” Ruth said harshly.

Chuck stood and smiled warmly at the crowd, his feelers feeling everything near him. “We have a big problem. Us cockroaches have been around for longer than any living thing on this earth, and yet we are getting sprayed, slapped with slippers and sneakers, and spat on. We need your support.” Chuck chuckled a little. “When I say us, I mean the Cockroach Carers Corporation and the Cockroach Community Collective.”

Raunchy Ruth bellowed “Thanks Chuckie for telling us your concern. Right, let’s open the floor.”

All those present looked to the ground to see where the earth had opened up.

“Ain’t no holes Raunchy, just flat ground with the occasional hump or two. Oooppps!. Sorry Carry Camel.” Silly Sid the shoebox salesman said sheepishly. “Raunchy, can I speak?.”

Silly Sid received a glare from Raunchy Ruth. She liked him but her house was full of shoeboxes stacked side by side in the cellar. Silly Sid had caught her one day playing monopoly with Mighty Mike the marble maker. Naturally this was bad for Raunchy Ruth’s image. She had always prided herself as a hard no-nonsense woman.

“Thanks Raunchy.” Sid yelled from the back of the graveyard as he stood up. “We all have to rally behind Chuck and his cohorts. They are lovely little layabouts that love everything and everybody. In my opinion, we should start a….”

Carrie Camel interrupted. “Start what?. All of us here have taken part in daring demonstrations delightfully. But them out there don’t listen. I’m telling you, it’s these big companies we should go after. The one’s that make pesticides and stuff. They are the one’s that are killing us all off and not just Chuck and his cheery crowd. I know what you were going to say Sid, but it wouldn’t work. We already tried sending surly statements to the big guys. It just doesn’t work.”

“We must peruse the problem practically. ”Yelled Pattie Pastry who worked at Paul’s Patisserie. “It’s all well and good coming up with fabulous fertile ideas. I think we should all wear T-Shirts with a slogan supporting Chuck Cockroach and his cohorts. Any ideas?”

Sniggers and giggles rumbled through the crowd, followed by mumbles and whispers.

“Settle down!” Raunchy Ruth screamed. “I think it’s a great idea Pattie. Have a Peach Pie on me tomorrow, I’ll pay when I pass by.”

The crowd stood to their feet filling the graveyard with astounding applause.

“I’ve got it!” Chuck Cockroach exclaimed.

“Don’t give it to me.” Splurted Susan the Shampoo Seller from Sarah’s Salon. “I haven’t been well all week and I don’t need any more trouble.”

Chuck the Cockroach laughed. “No Susan. I have an idea for a slogan. I put to the floor and the chairperson (sorry Gusto!) we all wear T-Shirts with ‘Care for Cockies carefully, they care about you!.”

“Brilliant!” shouted Carrie Camel who was carefully perched on a headstone. “I’ve got a friend, Peter the Printer from Printers Perfection. It’s a good shop and I am sure he will give us a great deal.”

“What!.” Was the collective rumble in the crowd.

“Perhaps Silly Sid will sell more shoeboxes and donate the money.” Raunchy Ruth said sarcastically.

The Chothonian Warrior

2005-04-05T10:27:00.000+08:00

Tis’ strange his mind wandered
to lands and different shores,
But still he pondered thoughts of death
with the breath that he had left.

Of smoke, fire and hell,
To raise the sword and cut the breath
the breath of a warrior,
A warrior so strong, but……
Tis’ strange,
Is death on the breath of the warrior
that worries.

A shield of sun, a sword of Earth,
a might so strong with will
To worry the warrior,
Oh open thy breast and feel the sword
of the solemn earth,
But sun so strong shall shield you
from the warrior that worries,
Or shall it?.

Take thy sword and bury it deep
Deep inside the cavern of flesh.
Tear the heart and take the breath,
with smoke, fire and hell,
Make clean thy sword and thy worries,
For the warrior who worries the warrior
shall worry no more.

A Screw Loose Experience

2005-04-04T13:48:00.000+08:00

What do you get when you cross 200 passengers with a lot of excuses?. Utter
pandemonium, aggression and frustration. It was definitely an experience and one I would rather not have been involved in. I should have taken the earlier flight. I did arrive at Perth International Airport early, and I did board the Garuda flight bound for Bali. But, I never thought that I would have most of my first day of my sojourn in my own city and not of my intended destination.

It all began on board with the first announcement by the pilot: “Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a short delay of 30 minutes whilst the engineers inspect one of the wheels”

30 minutes later: “Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a delay of 2 hours. Apparently one of the bolts holding the wheel in place has drifted loose. For your convenience we ask you to disembark and wait in the terminal until the error is repaired”

So, 300 disgruntled passengers emitting all manner of abuse filed off the plane and into the terminal. We all did as requested and waited at Gate 1. Well, a small proportion of them of anyway. Some headed to the bars, others to the smoking room, and yours truly to the bookshop which was happy to relieve me of $200.

I sauntered back to Gate 1 after an hour pleased to find that cakes and drinks had been supplied courtesy of Garuda International. Give me a break!...why not let us all into the business lounge at least. After the 2 hour deadline I spotted a Garuda representative and this meant only one thing – DOOM.

2 hours later: The Garuda representative informed us quiet calmly “I am so sorry (that’s gotta be a fib) but the engineers are having trouble with obtaining a part (hey, this is Australia – we have everything) and so there will be a further delay of 4 hours”

The stunned mullet expressions portrayed the feelings amongst the passengers. It took no more than 30 seconds to sink in and the masses scattered to the far corners of the airport. The bookshop owner welcomed me with open arms like I was part of the family.

4 hours later: 50% of the passengers are in good voice fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol, 25% were intent of murder, and the remainder, trying to be extremely patient. I staggered back to Gate 1 with another $100 worth of books and sat down wondering if I’ll ever get to Bali.
The Garuda representative appears with a beaming smile on her face. In my opinion it was not good. She took a deep breath “Ladies and gentlemen (she would have made a good pilot!), unfortunately the flight has been delayed until 10.30pm as the spare part for the wheel has to be flown from Jakarta. In the meantime, courtesy of Garuda you will be accommodated at the Ibis hotel and given lunch and dinner. All transport costs carried by us”. She was there, then she was gone.

We all had to re-enter Australia through Immigration, obtain our luggage and take it to the Ibis hotel. I must admit it was nice of them to supply a bit of tucker in the atmosphere of a five star hotel, but I would rather have stayed and chatted to my long lost relative at the bookshop.

As it turned out, we were all picked up on time and on arrival at the airport had to exit through immigration and boarded the plane on time at 11pm. Then it came. “Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a short delay of 30 minutes, but, let me assure you we will be departing at midnight “.

I had been awake since 3am and when I arrived at Denpasar airport at 3.30pm the following morning, I was proverbially stuffed. Fortunately, Immigration and customs never argued with us (I wonder why) and all passengers walked out of the terminal happy to be in Bali.

05.00 hrs: No taxis at the airport. No hotels picking up their clients because it’s too early. No happiness anywhere.

Serial - Reggie and Flo Tripping in Bali

2005-03-26T19:00:00.000+08:00

Episode 1 – 'Reggie Dips Out!'

Reggie was a fairly predictable bloke who had worked at the Water Board all his working life. Every Friday after work, Reggie would drive to his local pub after first withdrawing some of his wages from the ATM. He generally arrived there around 2pm in the afternoon. Reggie would drink with his mates until 6pm and more often than not, he called a taxi cab to get his worse-for-wear body home to his wife. This had been a kind of ritual for most of his married life and he knew when he arrived home, Flo would tell him how pissed he looked and plonk his dinner on the dining table, then walk off to watch telly.

There was a distinct coolness in Flo’s attitude that night and Reggie kinda figured he knew why. Reggie was due long service leave from the Water Board, a total of two months. He had already figured out where he wanted to go for his holidays – the same place as they had always gone, down to his mate’s shack on the beach 200 kilometres south of Perth. Here Reggie could relax, fish all day and drink all night.

When Reggie woke up some four hours later, the kitchen was in darkness and Flo had retired to bed. Having slept off most of the booze consumed earlier that afternoon, Reggie went to bed for his usual bit of Friday night slap n’ tickle. This too had become a ritual in their lives. Reggie slipped into bed beside Flo. She turned her back to him and slapped his advancing hands.

“What’s the matter darling?” Reggie asked, “You know its Friday night and we always…”

Flo interrupted with a defiant tone in her voice.

“Reggie, Friday night’s are out and so is every other bloody night from now on”.

“But honey” Reggie whimpered.

“Reggie, your long service starts in two weeks and I want a holiday. Not just that bloody shack down south. I want a real holiday” Flo stated emphatically.

Reggie rolled onto his back and stared blankly at the ceiling. What could be a better holiday than fishing all day with your mates, he thought. Perhaps Flo wanted to go up country to see her sister at the farm. I could live with that, he mumbled to himself, but only for a couple of days after spending some weeks down south. Reggie turned to face Flo hoping the peace offering of a visit to her sister’s place would solve the situation and also relieve the aching in his groin. Reggie spoke coyly.

“Hey darling, I got a good idea. We can go and see your sister. It’s been a while I know, but we could manage a few days before we head down south”

Flo grunted. “Fuck you, I want a holiday…a real holiday”

Reggie sat up, startled his wife used that word. She never liked it, except of course when they were intimate.

He placed his hand on Flo’s shoulder. She turned over to face him.

“Reggie, I want to go to Bali. Marjorie at the bowling club went there for a month and she loved it”

“Bali?. Whereabouts in Australia is it Flo and I’ll take you there” Reggie said, hoping his wife would be pleased.

Flo shook her head. “Reggie you are a dumb ass sometimes. Bali is in Indonesia. We go there by plane” she sighed and continued “In Australia!…honestly Reggie, you give me the shits with your stupidity”

Reggie’s mouth was wide open. He stared at Flo.

“Flo, that’s a bloody foreign country. It’ll be dangerous. Knowing my luck, they’ll be head-hunters there and shit like that. Besides, ya probably can’t even get beer there”

By now, Flo had sat up, hands on her hips. “Bullshit Reggie!. When I spoke to Marjorie about Bali, she told me it was a very romantic place. In fact, she reckons that her hubby couldn’t get it up he enjoyed himself that much”

“Romantic eh. If I decide to go along with this holiday fantasy of yours Flo, how long do we have to be there for?”

Flo burst into laughter. She knew there was three ways to convince her husband to do something: Beer, food and sex, with the latter being on top of the list. Flo looked straight into Reggie’s eyes as romantically she could.

“Reggie darling, it’ll only be for a month. You’ll have such a good time there. Just imagine every day being like a Friday night”

He grinned, placed his hand on Flo’s left breast and whispered in her ear.

“I’ll go to the travel agent on Monday darling after work and get some brochures”

To be continued

A Bit of Bush Poetry

2005-03-25T14:53:00.000+08:00

OLD JACK McCROW

Old Jack McCrow never did say ‘Never say Die’,
But he felt like it on that fateful summer’s day,
On the edge of Wombat Ridge,
A deathly place of misfortune, isolation and fear.

For old Jack had come to share his sorrows
with the animals of the land,
With the towering Eucalypts and stubby Bottlebrush
with Corella’s and Galah’s,
And not forgettin’ the Bull Ants that bite
the hungry Termite and Wasp alike.

McCrow’s missus had scorned him so
For lickin’ too much ale,
His mates had said ‘She’d be right’
and so Jack drank hard into the night,
But upon his return home, staggered did he
acting stupid and sweet,
A blackened frypan he did meet.

Fanny McCrow was a burly woman
arms of muscle and meat,
One swing and a ‘thump’ was all it took,
And old Jack no longer stood on his feet,
‘Away from ‘ere ya cad’ she cried,
And old Jack staggered away, his head aside.

Over the edge of the ridge he peered,
And even though he was a feared,
Of death and God and Devil too,
They would be fair mates in a blew,
So old Jack he jumped, his thoughts askew.

The pain weren’t so bad, he thought
As he looked hard around to see….But
no pub he saw, not even a good sort,
But then he thought ‘This ain’t so bad’,
Fanny’s gone and frying pan too,
But the bloody Devil made sure there weren’t no loo!.

Just A Rant and a Rave

2005-03-24T18:35:00.000+08:00

Slack ain’t the word to describe my writing habits these past few days. There wasn’t any!. At least not that much. I could always lay the blame on numerous happenings like Perth being inundated with massive storms, floods and the ilk, but it never occurred – just the incessant heat and humidity. That’s it!...I perspired too much and my perspiration streamed from my fingertips onto the keyboard and blew the mother board to smitherinees. Nah, doesn’t seem plausible. But, it has been bloody hot with temperatures hovering viciously in the vicinity of 40c. This causes thought. Why is the weather pattern such as it is?.

Environmentalists scream global warming, and I agree, but what is being done about it?. Nothing, zilch, denada and sweet FA. Sure, numerous countries globally have cleaned up their act as well as signed the Kyoto Treaty. But what of the two big instigators of pollution in this world. Yep, the good ‘ol U.S of A and its bum buddy Australia neither of whom see any sense in signing this treaty, and yet, they proclaim ‘to have made steps in the right direction’. Bollocks!. It takes unity, global unity and dedication to alleviate this f’ing mess we are in on this planet.

But, I have digressed from the original and that being my slackness for not scribing. Actually it is quite simple. My trip to Indonesia is only seven days away and I have been flat out like a lizard drinking organising all ‘n sunder. At least my bags are almost packed!. I rang Candika in Java this morning who promptly informs me that she will be arriving in Bali on an earlier flight. After I finish telling her I cannot make my plane go any faster so that it arrives the same time as hers, she politely tells me that she will pick me up at the airport after getting settled in our digs.

The writing?. Yes, well I have been keeping the fingertips on the keyboard and averaging my usual 4500 words per day. It has just been my posting on this blog that’s been slack. I haven’t made any submissions or sent proposals to any mags. Of course I have been note-jotting as well. I simply do tons of that. Now this brings to point, how will I perform (writing wise) when I arrive in Bali. All those distractions: a cool swimming pool, fabulous and delightful people, my friends living there in Bali, spectacular scenery, and of course not forgetting Candika. Simple, very simple – I’ll blog from Bali!.

Musing...

2005-03-21T20:14:00.000+08:00

LOST IN SHANGHAI

I love to sleep and dream
But nobody talks to me in my dream
And I awake to talk
But nobody talks to me
And so I walk and talk to the one I know
More than else or myself,
People listen then, but do not talk,
I return to dream, and when I do
No words do I hear
So in reality I remain……..
Within myself.

FINI

Whisk the clouds and stir the breeze
For what you see you cannot,
A haze is all visible, and yet
You see within to see yourself

Frightening as it may be you stare
No clouds to whisk or breeze to stir
For what you feel you cannot feel
But death itself,
And yet you stare within yourself

Clouds are thoughts, breeze only actions
And for what you do, you do not know
For what is done cannot be undone
And death itself greets you and whispers
‘Come inside, see yourself’.

That Seuss Feeling

2005-03-20T13:40:00.000+08:00

Words worried woeful me when a frisky frolicking furry feline entered my study. Chewed and gnawed, scratched and meowed, this frisky feline followed my flickering eyes as I picked up a shoe. My lob, loose leaning listlessly lax and left of the frisky feline’s ear.

Oh woe is me my memory slips sloppily, silly and stupidly into subjective thought. The feline’s whiskers I espy near my mouse. Harassed hard and half-heartedly, heave-ho hung the feline from between my fingertips, its whiskers long – and now…..loose!. Vicious vile vampirant feline ran from my study. And now I sit with a solitary scratched screen scratching my head. Thoughts return rushed by reasoning and reality – but I cannot create. The bloody cat culled my mouse!.

Tomorrow is but another day and if frisky frolicking feline flops further furtively, my study I will turn into a kitchen deliriously and delightfully dishing delicious devilled delicacies delicately dead!.

Dead and Dark

2005-03-19T14:17:00.000+08:00

Do not venture out into the snow
When the moon is as black as night,
Some say these nights belong to the dead
Who leave no footprints in the snow,
They wander haphazardly through
Your dreams creating nightmares,
In your thoughts they leave no footprints
But instead create…hell.

Each creak, each imagined footstep
Creeping along your veins,
Each shadow cast into the room
On a moonless night raising hairs,
That feeling someone is near
When you enter your bed alone,
Grateful for that blanket
Shadow you safely.

Do not go to the window and gaze out
Across the darkened windswept forest,
Do not hold your breath at what you see
For you never know if your breath will return,
Do not think this is real or can harm you
For they are only wanderers you see,
Crawl back into your bed and close your eyes
And let the dead sleep in your dreams.

Asked the Psychiatrist

2005-03-18T19:25:00.000+08:00

That’s exactly what I did!. Actually he is not my psychiatrist, just a good friend. Anyway, I explained to Siggie – short for you-know-who – about my predicament of why I don’t have time to write on occasions. He laughed. He then went on to explain that my problem was not in fact the multitude of excuses for not writing but my inability to relate to the cat. Well, you can imagine how furious I was with Siggie!. Even after I explained to him that although I liked the cat, writing was my first love. He promptly informed me there lies the problem as he had already stated. The cat!.

Einstein, my cat, was family. He ruled the house, slept where he wanted, ate when he felt like it, and in general, acted as if he owned the place. Siggie laughed when I told him this. He then suggested that I bring the cat in to see him so he could counsel it. Hey, who’s nuts!. Of course I refused. But then Siggie suggested I teach the cat how to use the computer, or even teach him how to construct and write a novel. After sarcastically informing Siggie that he should see a psychiatrist, I went home to my computer and Einstein.

There was no excuse for not writing even though I thought they were numerous. Nor was it my inability to communicate with Einstein. As far as I was concerned, we were buddies to the end!. Last night I sat in front of the computer screen and stared for hours. Einstein jumped up onto my lap, ‘meowed’ and curled up into a ball. Instant inspiration!. Einstein and I would write together as a team. Now I have no excuse not to write because my Einstein is a genius!. And Siggie – well, he is just a shrink!.

Clearing the Last Hurdle

2005-03-17T19:21:00.000+08:00

Just another balmy autumn day, but, it was a pleasing one for me. Most of you aren’t aware but three months ago in Bali I broke the small bone in my foot resulting in being plastered [not literally!] for that entire time. At lunchtime today, in 35c of very humid heat, I drove over to see my specialist for the all-clear. Of course I didn’t tell him that I was heading overseas!.

By the time I had found a parking place, I was over 10 minutes late for my appointment. Fortunately, I have a good rapport with the receptionist and soon found myself sitting down in the cool of the specialist’s room.

He peered at me over his glasses.

“Now Barrie, how are you today?”

Silly question considering I had just walked a full kilometre from where I had parked and perspiration was pouring off my brow like the Victoria Falls.

“Damn good actually. I’ve been walking at a steady pace every day strengthening my foot”

He looked down at my foot encased in a sneaker. With a flick of his hand, I removed both my sneakers and placed my newly scrubbed feet into his lap. The specialist then proceeded to prod hard, twist viciously and bang my foot with the palm of his hand.

“Does that hurt?”

I grimaced. I pictured Candika’s face at the arrival hall in Bali to take my mind off his sadism. I was determined my trip was a definite go. He smiled disappointingly.

“Well Barrie, it looks like you’ve escaped having pins put into the bone in your foot. Are you pleased?”

Of course I could have broken out into a song and dance act and jumped for joy, but chose discretion as the better part of valour.

As I left the specialist’s rooms and walked back to the car, I realised why he was so disappointed. Because of me not having an operation on my foot, my specialist won’t be able to trip off to the Bahamas just yet!.

I didn’t give a shit about that because I am heading back home to Indonesia.

Confusion

2005-03-16T13:24:00.000+08:00

If it happened recently then
That is not just a minute ago,
For a minute ago would be past,
Hence it could be recently
But then it could be just
A while ago.

If it was a while ago, then it
Was recently but could in
All manner of respect be
Just then,
But just then is past which makes
It recent, but recent is not the
Same as recently,
Therefore is happened some moments ago.

If it happened some moments ago
Which is past,
Then it becomes recently,
One could not say that
Recently it happened, but
A moment ago, because
Then it becomes a while ago.

Oh dear, I have things to do
And should have done a
While ago, some minutes past
But I forgot,
Perhaps in light of this
I will do it soon, and
When that time comes and goes
That which I have to do
Will be something I did recently.

Gearing Up For The Trip

2005-03-15T18:46:00.000+08:00

I’ve got to face it sometime. There he is sitting on the floor in the office, my Levi Strauss denim bag, just waiting to be filled with whatever I need for the two weeks in Bali. Usually I would haul around my 65Lt backpack, but because my travel will only involve the need for a few clothes, my trusty old denim will suffice.

By now, I would have been packed and ready even though there are still two weeks to go – or was it 17 days?. Heck, what’s a day or two eh!. I like to travel light – three T-Shirts, a couple of shirts, four pair of shorts, underwear and a pair of long trousers. Oh, and I mustn’t forget my sarongs for lazing around in. Chuck in a spare pair of sandals, a first aid kit, and I’m ready to check-in at the airport. This way I’ll keep under the 20kg allowance. Huh…as if!.

My darling wife Candika is a chocolate freak – you put any kind of chocolate in front of her, she’ll eat it. As well as Almond bars, nougat, potato chips (especially roast chicken!), Candika loves sweets. She loves eating. When I met her eleven years ago, she weighed a cute 56kg, and now, an even more beautiful 58kg. Shit, in all that time [and I eat far less than her] I have put on 5 kilos. But, coming to the point with regards the chocolate, Candika always gives me her order to bring over to Indonesia for her. Luckily this time it’s only 6 kilos of chocolate and assorted goodies.

Now this means only one thing – up goes my baggage weight and screams headlong into excess. Problem?...it sure is considering I have to pack my digital camera, battery charger, notebooks and micro-recorder as well. Solution – I’ll have to take my 20lt backpack which I use to cruise around town on my many jaunts. So, it will be a case of packing the denim to avoid excess baggage whilst keeping my backpack light enough to get over the 5kg allowance radar for the plane.

I could always air-freight the chocolate!.

An Interview with Jesus Christ

2005-03-14T14:26:00.000+08:00

Reputed to be the first communist in the world, he is a person of strong character and morals. His life however, was cut short by betrayal, treachery and persecution. Revered throughout the world by millions of people, his life has been written about in almost every language. A subject of multi-million dollar films, and a part of the best selling book of all time, he is without a doubt the most controversial, and spoken of character in the Western world. His manner of life, and his teachings have had a massive impact on the thoughts, actions and motivations of millions of people – he is the son of God.

Q: How are you finding the competition that currently exists in the world at the moment?.

A: Actually, we are doing alright considering the amount of other Gods and demi-Gods that are around at the moment. It all depends on the ratings you know. Our analysis has shown us that we tend to excel at certain times of the year. Naturally, Christmas and Easter are our boom times.

Q: In your life, you have been a bit of a controversial figure. If you had the chance to do it all over again, what would you do?.

A: Most definitely I would give the Romans a harder time with my antics!. Of course I would wreck a few more gambling joints and in general, create mayhem amongst those people who were doing naughty things. You know the type, don’t you?.

Q: No, I don’t know, but let’s get on with the interview. When you say giving the Romans a harder time, do you think your trial was rigged?.

A: Most definitely. I couldn’t even have a lawyer let alone apply for Legal Aid. Besides that, the jury was corrupt. What’s a poor man to do against that kind of competition. The whole system was corrupt at that time, you know…bent. It happened everywhere.

Q: Were you surprised when the members of your gang weren’t arrested at the same time as you?.

A: Actually I was. They were a great bunch of guys, loyal and dedicated. All except for one. It happens. I could have put a contract out on him but hey, I’m a good guy not a wise guy!.

Q: There has been a lot of talk around town that you are going to make a comeback. Is this true and in what manner will you do this?.

A: Hey, that’s all top secret. Only the main man knows that information. However I will give you a clue. Watch the re-runs of the film Moses. The one with Charlton Heston. You’ll find a few clues in there.

Q: In the world today, people are faced with many problems. For instance, there is the pollution problem. Do you consider this problem to be an eventual cause of destruction in the world?.

A: Oh yeah!. You want to see the mess from where I sit ‘up there’. We have a perfect view and unless you start controlling the output of gases into the atmosphere, then who knows what will happen. I can tell you one thing though, if it gets too bad then it will definitely reach us where we are. If that happens, then the boss will not be happy!.

Q: Just continuing with problems for a moment, is it you guys that are causing all these natural disasters?. We have floods, earthquakes, famine and so much more which cause so much misery and suffering.

A: That also is top secret. However, you must keep the proper prospective here. Don’t forget that this planet was only ‘lent’ to you. No I am not talking about Easter!. What I mean is, this planet was a gift if you like, and as such, should have been looked after properly. Instead you have certain factions, shall we say, in societies around the world that value money over the beauty and happiness of Mother Nature.

Q: So you are saying that we have abused the planet and this is why we have all these diseases, poverty and destruction?.

A: I like it when somebody answers their own question!.

Q: You’ve been around a long time. In all that time is there any one factor that has upset you in any way or form?.

A: Too many to even contemplate. I think war upsets me. I could never comprehend why people would want to fight over a piece of land, or because of a differing religion or because of a deep-rooted hatred for another person or race. It makes no sense. If you’ve read my bestseller, you know, the Bible, it tells you in there to ‘love thy fellow man’. In the world today, you don’t see much of that eh.

Q: Are we alone in this Universe?. I once read an article in which this professor, I can’t recall his name, said that this whole Universe we mortals live in, is a mere speck on a cow’s back grazing in a field on another planet. Is this true?

A: Wow!. What have you been smoking! (He, he..!). Actually that is a very philosophical thought. However, I can tell you that what is real is often not seen, and what is seen is often not real. Confused ya’ huh!. Seriously though, you will find the answer to that question in due time.

Q: As mere mortals, is there anything that we could do to improve our lives on this Earth?.

A: Every person has ideas to improve the world. If all those ideas, wishes and wants were collected, then functionalised, who knows what will occur.

Q: Finally, is there life after death?.

A: Ain’t you looking at it!.

Footnote: This article is not meant to offend, hurt, upset or cause displeasure to any person or groups.

Judgement by any Means

2005-03-13T19:11:00.000+08:00

A long silence chilled the air within the room. Those seated stifled their coughs deep in their breaths taken shallow in anticipation of the pending answer.

“Yes indeed. I am I who you inquire so intently. However, it is my life and not yours to that I compare. Contrasting comparisons are merely a literal manner of attaining a person’s being. Is this not your prime intention?.”

“You are resolute in your demeanor standing there before us. Yet, you profess little or no concern for the consequences of your resolve.”

Stretching his body, arching the back and smiling sarcastically was a mannerism he attained – no, perfected – as a burgeoning pilferer on the streets; mannerisms he perfected to annoy those in authority. He looked around the wood-paneled room, then to his left where the black robed man sat. His sigh flowed into the answer he so carefully thought about.

“It is I who will be damned by you, my life compared with others who came before me, and yet your persistent destruction of my being continues. How dare you insinuate that I am a common thief. I am a man of character, of moral fortitude only striving to improve my life by those means afforded my ability. Is it not you who considers suffering at the hands of my predecessors an horrendous assault on your presence, your life, your safety or even your status within society?. We are from different worlds and so you dare to elevate yourself above what I am. Am I not the victim?. Indeed, I would fairly consider myself to be innocent. Absolved of wrongdoing to my mind. Yet you persecute the likes of my life, annihilate all that you consider a threat. No, I am the victim here and the victim of your society.”

“The simple question you posed before us is without a ……”

The man interrupted.

“I posed the question directly to you, for it is you that deems it fair by law within our society to condemn the likes of me. Do not look around for reinforcement in those eyes upon you.”

“Admittedly, your life has been dealt unjustly in my eyes. However, it does not give cause or excuse for such acts as you have perpetrated upon this society. You show no remorse for your actions nor do you care. Your life would have, could have indeed improved had you not listened. But no, the path you chose was your own doing and by that way you will be judged. Of that I have no doubt and nor do I feel distressed.”

“So be it then.”

He turned to the black robed man. The robes rippled as he scowled then spoke harshly.

“Robbery with violence is a distasteful, despicable crime. Bailiff, take this creature away.”

Zapped in Flat-Out Time

2005-03-12T18:38:00.000+08:00

It has been one of those times in the last few days when everything happens at once. You know the days I mean. Here’s the scenario – My friend was driving up to a small country town for a visit and offered to take me along for a ride because she knew I liked taking photos of strange landscape and country folk. I tagged along for the ride and ended up staying the night in a sleazy hotel where the manager knew the cockroaches by their first names. Heck, I even got friendly with a few of them underfoot.

The following day at first light, I reeled off 300 shots on the digital camera around the area, and walked back into town. I couldn’t find my friend. The hotel manager told me she had left for Perth and the next bus to the big smoke wasn’t until the following day. I declined his offer of a room for the night, slung on my backpack and walked to the edge of town. Luckily, a truckie pulled over to the side of the road and gave me a lift. Strange character. He had this big, red bushy beard which harboured the previous night’s meal, and all he could whistle were Abba tunes.

When I finally arrived at my house, the power was out. There were 70 pole-top fires in the suburbs plunging virtually the whole of Perth into darkness. Shit, can’t use the computer, the beer was warm in the fridge, and to make matters worse, I couldn’t even play any music. However I did manage to read by candlelight albeit eye-straining. What else could go wrong I thought to myself as I tucked into a can of cold Baked Beans with some fruit for dessert.

But, the following day had a crease of sunshine on the clouds and good news to follow. I’ve been wanting to get away from the concrete jungle of the big smoke since I returned last November, and I did manage to get a cheap flight to Bali for a couple of weeks. So, I rang Candika in Java and she will be coming over to be with me. Of course I can’t head out until the 1st April – shit, what a day to fly - and until then I will continue with my frantic writing pace. This brings me to an idea for a story that I have thought about for a while now.

I have decided to write a serial with one episode per week appearing on this fantastic blog. Based loosely on nobody I know, but have seen the stereotype in Indonesia frequently on my travels. It will be a satirical skit of two married dinkum-die Aussies in their fifties who head to Bali for the first time for a long holiday. Their names are Reggie and Flo.

Coming soon – Episode One of ‘Reggie and Flo Tripping in Bali’

Crazy Australians

2005-03-10T18:45:00.000+08:00

A very beautiful friend of mine sent me this by email today. Thought you might like a laugh. I know I did, my sides are still aching!.

Subject: THE RURAL AUSTRALIA THESAURUS OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Log On - Make the barbecue hotter
Log Off - The barbecue is too hot
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

That Magic Moment

2005-03-10T11:05:00.000+08:00

Love is such a beautiful word. It has been written about for centuries – expressed in literary form, on film, in fact every medium – and yet, no one person can explain its feelings. Some have said it ‘hits you like a bus’, others, ‘makes you feel all warm and nice’. Whatever these four letters do to the human body and mind, it certainly dominates our lives. We yearn for it, we cherish it, and yes, it is even abused, paid for and fought over. What is this chemical reaction that makes us do things we normally wouldn’t do?. Why do people fall in love over and over again. It is a crazy sensation!.

For instance, when I first met my soulmate eleven years ago, she didn’t like me let alone love me. But as the years rolled by, some chemical reaction occurred in her body and then suddenly WHAM!...she realised that she actually loved me. I of course adored her from the very first moment, and, even though I didn’t get the number of the bus that hit me, it will be a moment of feelings and sensations that overpowered my very being that I will never forget. Over the years, our love for each other has deepened, matured if you like, to become more pure and devoted. These then are the words for my beloved wife Candika…

“ If there were wishes given freely to me,
then only a few I would choose,
Because at this moment in my life,
I have the things I need the most.

I have the beautiful love of my wife,
that is so precious to me,
I have her caring and gentle touch,
Her understanding and kindness,
When times are good or bad.

I have the smile of my loving wife,
To brighten my day and give my feelings
The beauty of happiness and joy,
I can gaze at the sparkle in her eyes
Whenever I tenderly and softly kiss her.

I have her sensuous feelings within
My body when we make love,
I can feel the love flow in our hearts
As we bring joy to each others bodies,
And a togetherness that is locked
In the destiny of the stars forever.

So when I think of free wishes and
And what they can give, then I desire none,
Because all that I want and need
Within my life now and forevermore,
I have in the beauty of you..."

Thinking Thoughts Thunk

2005-03-09T06:40:00.000+08:00

Wherever I travel, whether it be into the city here in Perth or in a place overseas, I love to watch people - seeing how they interact, facial and hand expressions, and try to imagine what they are thinking. Yesterday I was at my local supermarket picking up a few things and I noticed two guys in their 40's having a very animated conversation. At one moment it appeared as though they were argueing!. Quite fascinating really and inspired me to put my own adaptation to their conversation. I entitled it 'You thunk What!':

“I only thought that you were thinking about it.”

“Is that what you thought!. Stop thinking such nonsense and stay out of my thoughts.”

“Well!. If you’re going to think like that, then I won’t think about it any more. Consider it gone from my thoughts entirely.”

“At last!. I am elated you are erasing your thoughts of my thoughts so that you are able to think of other thoughts. Better still, just stop thinking!.”

“How dare you!. I will think what I like. Moreover, since you take that attitude, I shall think what I like in my thoughts and if thinking about your thoughts is part of it, then so be it!.”

“Oh, is that what you think. Your thoughts astound me sometimes. If I were you, I would be thinking about other matters relevant to your thoughts and leave my thoughts to my thinking. What do you think about that then?.”

“What an affront on what I think!. I am devastated to think that my best friend would think such thoughts. I am definitely going to have to consider these thoughts seriously.”

“There you go again…thinking about my thought.”

“No I wasn’t. I was just thinking about something entirely different. In fact they were thoughts irrelevant to your way of thinking and your thoughts.”

“I think I’m getting a headache.”

Cultural Monopoly

2005-03-08T12:10:00.000+08:00

If there’s one thing I enjoy its reading the newspaper first thing in the morning and always ‘The Australian’. Personally I find the other tabloids tasteless and uninteresting with regards to journalistic approach. Mind you, those residents of Perth here in Western Australia, would be aghast at my statement and I would be surely thrown in irons or tar ‘n feathered for my choice of tabloid. Okay, let’s be fair here. The West Australian newspaper does have pretty pictures as does the other tabloids. My point being that it is far more pleasing to read a well-written story or article without the bullshit thrown in to fill the broadsheet.

I am digressing from the reason for this post. In Saturday’s Review section in the Weekend Australian was a delightful little article in the literary section which I found rather interesting. It was entitled A League of Their Own:

Britain may not appear to be the most refined of the northern nations – the British drink warm beer, they whinge a lot – but the results of a new survey might give their European counterparts something to think about. The results show Britons to be the most culturally sophisticated – they go to more concerts, galleries, libraries, plays and films, and even manage to top the Italians when it comes to tramping around ruins.
Somewhat surprisingly, given the Pom’s soccer mania, they do lag behind the other nations surveyed in watching sport. More French, Italians, Germans and Spanish make themselves hoarse at stadiums than the English. Now they really do have something to whinge about.
(Weekend Australian – 05/03/05)

Thank the Gods we don’t have that cultural rivalry here in Oz. Or do we?. Actually its been going on for years. Melbourne and Sydney are always at loggerheads vying for the right to claim their respective city as the cultural heart of Australia. Canberra flouts its galleries as being the best, and Adelaide – the once quiet backwater threw in a challenge with their annual Arts Festival. Brisbane has a festival also – in fact many – and yet they don’t bitch about claiming the title. As for Darwin, well, their multicultural population creates a festival every day. And what of Perth?. Lonely Perth, way over across the vast, lonely Nullabor Plains. Most people consider the city falling off the edge of the map and into the Indian Ocean. Well, we have just ended our Festival of Arts. Heck, we don’t want the title. We can have a good booze-up at Rottnest Island during the Easter break. By the time we all sober up come February next, it’ll be time for the festival here in Perth again!.

The real heart of culture in Australia though is truly central. Yep, smack bang in the dead centre and in the hearts of the indigenous peoples there and around this island. They are the keepers of this land and their treasure is a unique culture.

Everything has a Reason

2005-03-07T16:25:00.000+08:00

Primarily I created Planet Mole as an outlet for my writings, and, to express opinions on those issues I regard as being of importance. As well as the aforementioned, I will include snippets of information for the readers of Planet Mole. My intention is to also use this blog as a travel diary upon my sojourns both here in Australia and overseas. No doubt there will be more writings in the genre of travel than other format since this is my most loved passion and somewhat of a penchant of mine.

Why did I name this blog Planet Mole?. Quite simply really – I adore this planet and over the years it has given me so much pleasure upon my journeys to the various lands and upon the oceans. It has never ceased to amaze me with its infinite beauty, and yes, even though there is ugliness brought on my determining factors in certain areas, it is that breathless wonder that I encounter wherever I travel that seemingly overrides all. As an environmentalist at heart, I care deeply about the current path take by some countries whose decision-makers decide to bury their heads in their wallets rather than face the reality of a bleak future unless they reverse their policies.

As I have an indulgent curiosity and willingness to understand and discover other religions, cultures and social structures upon this planet, then this makes Planet Mole an excellent platform to express my feelings, discoveries and thoughts from time to time.

As for the ‘Mole’ part of the blog’s title, that again is quite simple. I find them fascinating creatures who have a willingness for adventure and burrow into the depths whimsically and without fear wherever they travel – somewhat akin to my manner of travel.

Any comments, fair or foul, and criticism to any of my posts are readily welcome. In fact, I look forward to them.